Today is Chinese new year, the year of the black water dragon. If predictions are to come true, then this would be one extremely lucky year for me in most aspects. "Be very ambitious," my horoscope says. So I would dream big. Not just biog but huge, gargantuan in proportions LOL. Pragmatism is not a question were huge ambitions are concerned. So i'll let myself just dream away:
I believe this is indeed my luckiest year ever. There is no way we can substantiate gut feeling, right? But more often than not when it speaks, its words always ring true. My sweety(I know sweety should be spelled sweetie, but i intentionally replaced -ie with -y.) is having trouble with his moods as of this writing. I think he has not yet thawed from his depression. Winter, after all, is not yet over. So the winter blues is still affecting his system. He would snap out of it eventually. Winter depression is seasonal. The gloominess vanishes with the melting of the snow. If he were here with me, i don't think the winter blues could affect him at all. A change of place, especially somewhere were no snow can be found, works wonders to uplift the spirits of someone with this disorder. And with me providing so much warmth and jovial, loving company, sadness would not have a place in his mind. Oh, well, i might as well resume my reading and then take a nap. By tonight i would get down to making the outline and draft for my part of the book i am co-authoring.
0 Comments
My boyfriend does not communicate with me. Either he is naturally reticent or otherwise, i could not tell. For starters, what can i expect? Our relationship is an online one. Though i treat and see him as a real, serious boyfriend, there is no telling if he does the same way. At first, being given the cold shoulder shook me up a great deal. I was agitated and worried often. But several months have passed by, and i have grown accustomed to being treated like "i don't exist," thus i have resigned myself to the fact that maybe it's just that: He is reticent by nature--or he chooses to be one, or i don't exist on the same plane as everything else in his life(which does make sense given the fact that ours is an online love affair). At least he messages me during special occasions and events like Christmas day, birthdays, and New Year. Come to think of it, what is there to talk about anyway? He says he wants to know everything about me. Maybe he already has learned enough to know that i would not budge much or demand anything given his reticence LOL. Either that, or i have come too close for comfort. He must be hiding a secret(which i would never pry from him no matter what), or he is not comfortable with people being overly familiar with him. Or maybe, he is already comfortable with me, and this is how he really is: reticent. I may just be complicating matters needlessly for all i know, but it still bids well for me to spill it out, even if it is just on my ranting page. But i do care about him though i no longer fret about how he's doing when i don't receive word from him. I must be worried too much. Well, who won't be? If i were not anxious it only means one thing:"i have stopped caring." Sometimes i question myself about this only to realize that somehow there would always be some concern left for him no matter how well-resigned i am to my position in his life. Before, his coldness got my goat. But these days, i could only sigh ans smile. Busy and overly focused on my career, i should see his coldness as more of a blessing than a liability, shouldn't i? Maybe... I am not playing around, and what i claim myself to be is everything i am. If he has been playing around behind my back or has lost interest, i would much rather have it that he fesses up. Of course, it would hurt, but if he thinks his life is better off without me, so be it. I might shed a tear or two and wallow in my pain for a while, but i would neither object nor hold him down. Whatever makes him happy makes me happy, even if i am not a part of it. His birthday is nearing, and i am readying a nice dragon painting for him using inks. I hope he keeps it and takes good care of it. Also, i hope he speaks up once he thaws from his depression--i think he suffers from the winter blues, and tell me exactly where i stand or if there is something to hope for. I would hold out for him if he wants me to, i can also let go if he thinks he would be happier without me around. If i were afraid of losing him before, the same feeling does not hold true any more. When i said "i love him," i wasn't lying. But the prolonged absence of communication, this freezing silence, is beginning to get to me. If anything, it just leaves me wondering if ever our relationship is just an illusion or something real, thus worth keeping and nurturing. I would never bring up the argument and have it out with him. From observation, i think he is most likely to clam up than speak up and explain himself. Once this happens, time and effort in arguing goes down the drain and the whole situation gets no one nowhere. Besides i am not prone to arguing over petty matters. Serious matters like this, on the other hand, i prefer to discuss in an objective and calm manner as much as possible. I am leaving our relationship to God. I'll be here for him, but i would just sit in the distance and observe instead of getting myself overly involved on an emotional level. What matters is i stay true to him and myself. Modesty aside, i consider myself and the kind of love i can give as extremely rare. Time may not be entirely on my side, as i am already stepping into my late thirties, but i can still hold out and wait a while. I just pray that he be honest and upfront with me. I would prefer to hear it straight from him if ever i have lost him, or is in the process of losing him to somebody else. Ryan Andreas's fantastic soulfully rock rendition of one of my all time favorite songs by Sarah Mclachlan, "Angel." I've got so much to give but no one to give it to. I've just resigned from my position at the company after slaving away without getting what is due to me, let alone a bit of appreciation for all my extra efforts from my immediate boss. I have treated my colleagues as family, only to find out that they have ostracized me and thought none of my welfare, though it was professionally obligatory. These hurtful realizations slapped me in the face so hard that i found myself reeling and totally disillusioned. Finally, after almost four years of toiling my butt off, i decided to turn a blind eye at their many demands and walk away without looking back. These days i find myself frequenting my FB page for three reasons: to play Sims, to see if my sweetheart has poked me, and to look at the posts of my friends--browse through their photos and absorb their ideas in their shoutouts. It has been quite a while since i last posted a blog here. The past few weeks has been one hell of an emotional roller coaster ride. After more than a month of battling the frustration, i climaxed with a most disrupting emotional explosion, thus ending the chapters of my life spent in the company for good. It's all history now. Funny how resigning from my position felt so much like breaking up with a beau. I have been married to my job, in love with my work. Though i am much in love with Stephan and heartily pine for him and pray for him every single day, a part of my life revolves around other equally important matters involving my family and yes, my job, my passions. Resigning from my job opened my eyes to hurtful realizations that i have longed turned away from, albeit unconsciously. And the underlying truth unifying them despite their diversity is this: I feel myself slowly slipping away to nothingness. I need someone. Someone to love. Someone to take care of. Someone to dedicate myself to. Someone to make happy. Someone to give meaning to my life and make it worth living. Looking at my friends' pictures with their families--husband and children or just child or children at times for the ever-strong single moms or dads, brings tears to my eyes, breaking my heart in a most profound way that no words, despite my being an experienced wordsmith, could aptly describe. "How i wish i too would have my own beautiful family, a husband to back up and share myself with and lovely kids to raise and take care of. " As my family, rest assured that i would not bat an eyelash in offering up myself, even my own life if needed be...just to make them happy. Below, the angelic Debra Romer doing her painfully beautiful rendition of "Dreams" by Priscilla Ahn. Having celebrated my 36th year in this world five days ago, i could only shake my head at how things have turned out in my so-called life. Youth has a way of suffocating your thoughts, making you think that you are immortal. Back then, the world was but a dainty and artfully decorated chocolate cupcake to enjoy as i pleased. In my mind's eye, i was this geeky princess whose beauty and youth would never fade. Though i have always struggled to stay confident, having been raised to be self-effacing to the point that i was led to think myself no better than anyone else, from the very start, despite all this, i have an inborn awareness of my good fortune: i have serious God-given talents. Period. My father never made me feel good enough. Not once have i seen him show appreciation of me as his daughter regardless of how far i go out of my way to prove myself--and yes, despite all the talents i have been bestowed with, including the artistically cruel hand he handed down to me via genes. But i won't hate him anymore. Nope. I would just never talk to him that's all. If i have to put up with him, being my father, i would do so thru a silent protest, refusing deliberately to pay him no attention, unless he really needs my help that is. This is as much as i can do to hold on and preserve what little respect i have left for him. But through all this, i still credit my old man for giving me the right to claim my wings, and be the best i can be in spite of his troubled self--and this is despite the fact that he still thinks i'm his moronic daughter of a bitch up to this day. I look forward to the day that my prince charming comes and whisks me away to our new life together, hence starting our own family. I've always wondered if doing so would be jumping from the frying pan straight into the fire. But what is there to fear? My family may have been as imperfect as the Simpsons, but i still came out a good person. A good woman with nothing but clean intentions. Honest to a fault, disillusioned from all the pain, but nonetheless still standing tall, hopeful of what tomorrow would have for me. I do hope and pray it is Stephan. But being the adults we are, we know deep inside that certainty cannot be claimed by mere words or wishful thinking alone. I am in love with him--that is the truth. As to how or why this is so given the fact that we have not yet met personally, and he has not yet experienced "me," all i can say is that reasons this profound, evade logical explanation. But isn't this one of the many unaccountable mysteries surrounding the nature of love? People in our lives may raise their eyebrows at how our little love story came to be. I just shrug it off and laugh at them. Let them be. For all i care. From the start and until the end, whether or not my beloved sweetheart and i are meant to be, it all boils down to the two of us. Not them. Not anyone. It's our relationship. Our love. Our decision. And it is my decision to hold on, stay true, and keep the faith for the man i love. My friends had warned me against falling into the same trap of giving too much of myself away too soon. Well, it is not that soon though(i think), but i am really into him. Many times, i have been advised of the need to look out for myself by not putting all my eggs in one basket, meaning i should have a spare guy waiting in the wings. But two-timing has never been my game, regardless of whether or not he is physically with me. Though obviously the most practical thing to do given the heartbreaks i have had, i still cannot make myself cheat no matter how hard i try. Having been broken and left for dead emotionally several times has not clouded my conscience and faith in all that is good one bit. I may be depressive and broken in many places, but i have always sided with the truth. I have my dark side like everyone else, but i also have a good heart, a good soul, and by God's immense generosity, also a good mind. There is a purpose and reason for everything. And if there is one very good lesson i have learned in all my 36 years of walking this somewhat-pathetic yet still beautiful world, is that i do not have to understand every one of them, really. These reasons are not always a walk in the park. From experience, more oft than not, they always make you end up feeling like you're tightrope walking or dancing on live coals. But they are the truth nonetheless. And like i've said over and over again, i would rather swallow the truth and die from the pain, if necessary, than force myself to live with an illusion for the rest of my life. Even if i somehow manage to give myself a wee bit of credit for my merits as a person, as a woman, at the back of my mind i have always been nagged by the thought that i am no good and never would be. Hard as it is to shake this off, i have had it with being neurotic. Foolish as i am, does it really matter? I haven't cried in front of anyone, not even once. But in my solitude, the tears come pouring down on their own. It is particularly hard during the wee hours of the night as i struggle to fall asleep. In the privacy of my room, i am reduced to this little girl choking on her own sobs, doing her best to keep her heart from bleeding too much and dying eventually from it, stifling her cries as she does so. I know i should be grateful. I am. Yet there is no denying that i too have my pains--and pacifying myself by comparing my plight with others is pure hypocrisy. Being told about how better off i am compared to those who are dying of hunger out there or suffering miserably due to the floods, is like being forced to deny the existence of a benign but perpetually bleeding wound. Though not fatal, this wound can eventually drain the life out of me if ignored and left to bleed continuously. I know that all too well. And though i think i have no family or kids of my own to whom i can dedicate this outpouring love or whatever goodness i have welling up from inside me, i would always fight to live. I could get disillusioned a million times, killed over and over again, but i would battle to get back up on my feet and forge onward. Courage and truthfulness are all i've got now to keep me going, and i would not waste them in any way. "Thank you God for everything." I mean this, not as a cynical expression of irony, but as an utterance of sincere gratefulness coming from the bottom of this good bitch's heart. "Attention" by Debra Romer. "Crush my thoughts. Kill my faith," she croons. Could there be any other song that could better cap off this lengthy melodramatic ranting than this one? But seriously, i did not intend to rant this way if only to kill my faith. Everything is pointless if not for it. Love is beyond reason, for it is the reason in itself. Though I keep saying how much I miss you, no amount of writing it could equal the depth of my longing for you. How I feel is how it is. There is no use rationalizing it, let alone controlling it. Like a marksman, the only thing I can set my mind and heart on is the certainty that I would hit my target. As to when or how, I cannot tell. All I know is that everything would fall into place at the exact time and under the perfect conditions. As to how this would be possible given my inability to control the force of the wind and other factors, I am solely guided by my intention to hit the mark--and in this case, it is you and my desire for us to be together. So powerful is this certainty despite the abstraction of its nature that I am neither afraid nor worried. To most people, I may come across as a woman who has finally snapped and lost her mind. But I know I am in clear possession of my sanity. I have been told more than once of "how different" I am. But this difference is not really something alien to human nature. The only thing that makes me different is that I am rather self-contained, and with this, I have come to embrace the truth, learning to distinguish what is real from what is not while knowing all too well that like everybody else, I too am possessed with my own set of strengths and weaknesses and have the right to live, think, and feel freely as anything and everything in this universe. And i wonder... Actually, I have always wondered how most people can intentionally overlook the most important aspects of life, just so that they can uphold a false sense of dignity. Reality, though often misinterpreted, is more individualized rather than shared. What the world sets out before us is not what is necessarily true. In fact, more often than not, we are led to believe in illusory ideas that could only give momentary satisfaction. Especially nowadays, it saddens me to see how superficial most people are. They tend to measure their self-worth based on material things--how much they have, what they can afford, what they can do with their money, how many people they can fool, to what degree they can fool them, and how well they can give the impression of grandeur, never mind if it's contrary to the truth or not. People wanting to conquer the world when they do not even have the slightest idea of what the world truly looks like--and really, they need not look any farther. Why? Because the world is what we have in our hearts and minds. The life we share as one is just a shared space where each of our worlds spin. Think of it as the universe with many galaxies, and in each one a number of planets. The universe is not the world, but the quality and state of life thriving in each planet. The kind of life thriving in each planet is not dictated by the universe although it is imperative that the planet stays on its orbit to be able to exist. At times there are planets that can share the same orbit, and this symbolizes the moment lives touch, meaning worlds come to a certain point where they exist as one. How it all began... That is exactly what happened to our individual planets. They shared the same orbit and met at an exact point in time. I smiled at you, and you smiled back. That was how it all began. How two souls from distant lands with differentiated worlds met and found a likeness in each other. Two souls reflecting each other. Mirrored images so very similar in every aspect yet so unlike each other at the same time. Such is the irony of life. Such is the irony of our love. If you only knew how i've been dying to touch you and be with you. If only the universe can understand how much i would gladly give up for a moment, a fraction in time, spent with you. Then maybe...Maybe it would grant me a little mercy and give me that precious chance, that precious moment. A moment that would take place in reality and not just in dreams. A moment whereby i can feel your warmth against mine. A moment when we can be one, not just in mind but in heart, body, and soul. Am i asking for too much? Do you find my way of thinking and feeling too out-of-this world? My kind of love too suffocating? I do hope not. Believe me, my love, i would never ever kill your freedom by suffocating you with my affections. My love for you is borne of freedom, truthfulness, and an overwhelming desire for you to be happy. My heart may revolve around you, but in no way am i going to chain your heart and strangle it just so that i can please myself. I am in love with you, and by this i live when you live. I exist when you exist. Your happiness is also mine regardless of whether or not it would coincide with my intentions. Though imperfect, the love i have for you is true to the core. True in itself. Beyond questions. Beyond reality. Beyond us. Funny how love is. When you are still in search of it, the world is such a big place presenting too many options that you find yourself swamped and unable to think of where to look first. But then, even before you can start thinking of turning to a particular direction, your heart has already directed your steps. Soon enough you find yourself face to face with your eternity, the reflection of your soul whose heart beats in time with yours. What was once a world that seemed too big has suddenly become so small, revolving around one man and nobody else. What tomorrow holds... You may find this ranting a little queer, deviating from what most people would consider "standard." But this is the best way i know how to encapsulate this moment, this eternity in itself. Words are all i have now to express how my heart feels. Given the chance to do more, i would have done so, even without prodding. There are so many things going on inside my head right now. So many questions, yet not a single one answered. Nonetheless, all i want is to spill it out. In time my questions would get the answers they require, one by one or at the same time. And speaking of time, i am biding my time, for time and these words are all i have right now. These days, there are times when i just want to live in dreams forever and not have to wake up anymore, so i can be with you. Yet i know that this is the challenge we have to face. A challenge we must overcome to confirm and strengthen this love that has begun to blossom from within us. A challenge i am more than willing to take at any price. Tomorrow is ours to claim. For now we would have to make do with living in dreams. But only for now... The whole day long, i've been feeling under the weather. Nope, it's not really a cold that got me down but a bad dysmenorrhea coupled with a migraine attack. Thus, i resolved to postpone today's classes for tomorrow. Honestly, i don't have an idea just yet as to how i'm going to start the new lessons i'm supposed to teach. Heck, i haven't even browsed through my books to know "what i could possibly teach." But having taught writing for years alongside my total immersion in writing per se, the flow has turned automatic. The pointers i use to gauge my students' works are the same ones i abide by in my practice. What pleases me most when i teach is the chance to not only interact with my students, which indulges my nurturing side, but to refresh my memory and broaden my learning even more. Though i have grown too familiar with the ins and outs of English grammar and writing, every tutorial session presents a different angle to the lesson i haven't seen before. Teaching my students is teaching myself at the same time. Together, we learn and grow. Though i never realized how i grew to love teaching and found myself perfectly fit for it in as much the same way as writing and the arts, i know that it would always comprise a part of me that none of the latter fields i mentioned could take up. It ranks third among my passions. Nonetheless, i still stand by my decision to focus more on writing than anything else. But God, do i miss my students...Most, if not all of them, have been under my wing for years. They have treated me like a second mother, and i have treated them like they were my own kids. The compulsion to nurture and care for them was instantaneous. They have grown up,each one of them, right before my very eyes. And though it cannot be denied how happy i am to have taken a good part in their upbringing, it brings with it a profound sadness upon realizing that up to this day, i have not had the chance to have my own kids just yet. In time, which is not very far from today, i know and feel that he would come, and together we are going to raise a family together. I am quite sure i'll make a good wife and mother, the loving, nurturing type who is hands on in managing her household and caring for her family. I just pray and hope that God sends me the right man who could appreciate what i can do for him. I know God has already decided who this man will be. All i have to do is wait...And where waiting is concerned, need i say that i have more than enough glue to apply to my seat to last me quite a good deal of waiting time? If you only know how patient i am when waiting for my brother to pick me up from the Internet cafe during weekdays, i don't think anyone would even dare question the "intensity of my patience" LOL. God Can Explain... I am in love, and seriously, i pray it is "he" whom God has decided for me. Why? My heart has decided to choose him, that's why. I do not see the need to elaborate on what merits i see in him--he has everything i want in a man, that i'm sure of--for i know that love is beyond the positive traits we see in a person. We do not really love people because of what they can give or do for us, but just because they are there making a presence in our lives. On our own, we can survive and thrive despite the grueling demands life throws at us, but what makes it all worthwhile is having people who are concerned for us. Who misses us when we are away and long for our return, as they receive us with a warm embrace and smile in their faces. Who thinks of us and wonders about our safety when we are away from them. Who always includes us in their prayers each day. Who relishes our company and hangs on to every word we say. Who finds solace and comfort in our presence or at the thought of us, and seeks us to share their happiness with or whenever they need a little support and loving after having gone through some of life's usual beatings. People whom you know would be there for you no matter what even if they do not say anything. We can be made a fool of by a million people, but having just one person who is capable of filling this void in our lives suffices to make life beautiful. I have found these people in my family, and i am hoping that i could branch out and seek such people as i make my own family. Yes, i have decided to marry and have kids. I have decided to be this person worthy of filling in the void in someone's life and make it beautiful for him. Yet as honest as my intention is, life has not been very kind to me when it comes to romantic relationships in the past. I have my hopes up now and look forward to a bright future, finally getting someone i deserve and who deserves me just as well. I am just waiting. I know the world is so much bigger than both of us and that i am not the center of the universe. Despite this, i know everything would work out just right. Everything would just fall into place, and we need not know how this can be possible or why this is made possible to begin with. I miss him so. The fear of losing him and being duped once more is trying to grip my heart again, but i won't let it happen. The only way to handle uncertainty and the fear that comes with it is to embrace it. There are many things beyond my understanding, and there are also many things i want my consciousness to be spared from if only to save my sanity. I struggle to keep control, to be given assurance and certainty. But i know that the only way to ever stay in full control is to know when to let go of it and let God step in and take over. Though not very easy, this is what i am trying my best to do now: Let go of my struggle to gain control, and leave everything in God's hands. I have given my part that is my honesty and sincerity. With courage, i have sent the arrow of love flying through the air, from my little country here in the Far East all the way to the alps in Europe. The arrow and the precision and courage needed to shoot it straight forward are mine, but the other factors--wind, velocity, other elements--that could affect the outcome of my intention to hit my target dead center are no longer mine to control but God's. And so i'm keeping my faith in God and in this love i have for him. Everything is all right. I am indeed okay. I am in God's hands. I have just received the weekly newsletter i subscribe to from the positivity blog, and this week the topic was about the different traits characterizing highly ineffective people. Of the six traits discussed therein, i am guilty of numbers 3 and 4, especially 4 "thinking too much." It is conspicuous, isn't it? Though i may not be as ineffective as most people, still i keep bad habits that hamper my efficiency, the most prominent of which is my penchant for over-analyzing situations. As a writer, it is but natural that i use my head almost 100% of the time, particularly at work. However, as is my typical nature, there are times when my thoughts just run away from me. No it is not my imagination working over time(which is really not unusual in itself given that i also have one hell of a wild imagination), but my analytical mind. Just like everything else, too much of a good thing turns bad, and thinking, though mandatory for homo sapiens, can be lethal the moment it becomes inexorable. But all is not lost. It is not yet too late to put on the breaks and make a change for the better. And so i am breaking this cycle, this pattern of letting my thoughts overtake me, which has been a compulsive and somewhat(just somewhat?LOL) burdening habit i(fear) was born with. Actually, i already made some progress even before i came to realize the need to do this. Overworking my brain by taking on more than enough writing job that i could handle (I owe myself an apology for beating my mind so due to this.) has worked my machine head way too much to the point of breaking... Thinking almost non-stop pushed it to maximum overload that i do not even had to worry about getting lulled to sleep, for i automatically doze off as soon as my back touches my bed. Several times in the past week, i fell asleep in my work clothes. Often, i dozed off in the car en route to the office and back home. Way back in high school, my knowledge of how different i am compared to my peers lead me to think that i was nuts. Then it dawned to me that a psycho could never possibly be aware of his condition since his illness renders him incapable of being self-aware. The fact that i was questioning my sanity only proved that i was self-aware, meaning i am perfectly sane. I was just not the typical teenage girl in terms of how my mind works, despite being just another face in a crowd of innocent lasses educated to conform to strict standards. Does this mean i should stop doing self-introspection via spilling my thoughts on this blog? No not at all. I am using this blog as a ranting page besides being a vehicle for promoting my services as a writer, editor, and artist. All i have to do is to control my over-active mind. At times, instead of continuously digging into my psyche(which has started to repulse me lately), i should discuss other matters in a beneficial way for me--diverting my focus while relaxing my mind at the same time. By this, i would have to strictly follow a list of measures intended to keep my mind from getting taxed needlessly. These measures are self-improvement means on their own. Aside from reining in my compulsion to "think too much," they also better me on the whole from the inside-out, and maybe, even vice-versa.
With uncertainty confronting me on a daily basis, worrying is inevitable. Nonetheless, i am adamant about keeping control. I consider the matter carefully for a while, thinking over the vital aspects only and how they would figure out in my immediate present and near future. Then without further ado, i just stop there and not think about it anymore. Though hard at first, as the temptation to think of it nags at your brain from time to time, with persistence and practice i eventually got the hang of it. Soon enough it ingrained itself into my system that the whole process becomes automatic. When this happened, i succeeded in...
Okay, for now this would have to do. I am now itching to check out the new clothes available at Looklet--a virtual community for wanna-be/real fashion stylists, and try them out. I still have five more pointers to discuss and elaborate on. Today was exhausting(as usual), but not too much compared to the past weeks. Losing the project was not at all that bad. On the upside, i get to enjoy my free time, thus keeping myself sane and physically healthy. Just go on Just go on We're bound by blood that's moving From the moment that we start From the moment that we start (Chorus of "Go On" by Jack Johnson) It's insane i know, but there i nothing i can do to keep myself from missing him. Baring my vulnerability to someone i haven't met personally is nothing new to me, really. Even to those i mingle with on a daily basis, especially those i have gotten a little more intimate with on an emotional or intellectual level, though not romantic at all, i have that distinct, albeit annoying, natural inclination to open myself emotionally. This is suicide on my part, and I am well aware of it. Leaving my heart for the world to see is akin to giving anyone and every one the license to kill me as they please. I know it is dead wrong. I owe it to myself to protect myself from any harm, be it emotional, psychological, or physical. But relationships, whether platonic or romantic, necessitates such a risk. If not for it, the whole thing is a farce. This is what i believe though, with my being an advocate of honesty and all its merits. Yet i know for a fact that what i believe is not what is necessarily true all the time, or there are other facets to the whole concept of relationships that do not reflect my views at all, which i have either missed or am incapacitated to perceive. So shoot me. I am only human after all. The limitation of my views is inherent in my make up. I guess for all of us, regardless of how broad or open-minded we claim ourselves to be, there is no way we can grasp the totality of things--and this has nothing to do with how erudite, uneducated, or guileless we are. Just in the same way that we cannot be in two places at once, so is our capacity to perceive only a specific angle or side of the whole picture at a time. Insisting our views on others is downright foolish. Only idiotic egoists would be prone to do that. Each of us deserves to be given the benefit of the doubt--and i am no exemption. This Longing... There are still so many things I want to say to you Just go on Just go on ("Go On" by Jack Johnson) Every time i go online, i am sorely tempted to see if he is too and chat him up. The "him" in question is none other than the guy i had fallen for and mentioned in my previous blog, prior to this one. And (sigh)...even if he is not there, setting aside the possibility of his wanting to be either invisible to me or not, i find myself unable to resist the urge to leave a short message or two. Sometimes i just let my feelings hang loose and spill my heart out with total abandon. I am out of my mind and in over my head with this overwhelming feeling outpouring for him. It is nonsensical, but what good would it do me to deny it? I know our lives are not confined to the limits of this virtual world where we met. There is so much more to life than just chatting, browsing, blogging, working, and surfing the net lackadaisically. Beyond this, we have other people in our lives to attend to, a career to focus on, and the need to contend with the reality of survival in the world we share with others. Maybe, though it pains and chagrins me to think this is so, he must be getting sick and tired of me already. As much as i don't want to appear clingy, when i have fallen for someone, regardless of whether it is in the virtual world(which is rare) or otherwise(which is also rare), i am driven by the need to have his presence in my life constantly. To be able to communicate with him, reach out to him as best as i could, is the main objective. But if this is not possible, just the chance to feel him near or see him briefly, even from a distance, suffices. If he were actually mine and we are together, i have to be careful that i don't smother him. Mothering him by smothering him with attention, in a way, is something i can't keep myself from doing, but can definitely tone down. Mother him never henpeck him. Nothing could be had from bullying your man to prove your value as a person, as a woman. A self-made woman in clear possession of her mind and secure in her individuality need not lower herself to playing silly, aimless power games that benefit no one and prove nothing, either to herself or her man or the world at large. Going back to the compulsion to "mother your man," i think most women in love are compelled and obliged to attend to their man's needs instinctively. Being there for him and taking good care of him makes us happy--and being a typical loving woman, again i say, i am no exemption. It is innate. Questioning it is futile because obviously, if i or any woman did not really care for her man on a deep level, she would not be bothered to waste her time with him, let alone attend to his needs. Plunge into the "Sea" I can chat up anyone and every one i care to spend my time with online. Gifted with the skills of a natural conversationalist, i can listen to and share ideas with as many people--men or women, locally or internationally, regardless of race and individual differences--at any given time. But i can only fall for one man at a time. As much as i am compelled to be "simple" in my approach to loving and engaging in a romantic relationship, sadly, my current circumstance cannot be defined as such. I was right to indicate in my FB account that i am into a "complicated" relationship. There is no better way to identify it, is there? The non-exclusivity and uncertainty that comes with online romantic hookups make it a complex situation in itself. However, this doesn't mean to say that there could be no real feelings involved. There are. The only thing differentiating it is the absence of a physical meeting. Besides that, the involvement and risks are virtually similar. No one can say and confirm that relationships which started online are doomed to fail. All romantic relationships, regardless of how the couple got together, comes with the same risk. It is always 50-50. Dishonesty, though more conducive online, is an option any cheating partner would willingly take given the right circumstances. Likewise, truthfulness and loyalty can still be given and experienced provided you find the right person capable of giving these--and i am one such person. I remember him saying during one of our chats that he wanted to found a solid relationship with me. His intention reflects mine. Dealing with the uncertainty is hard, but i am optimistic. He said he wanted to know everything about me. Well, what he reads here is who i am. Unadulterated, sincere, and without inhibitions. I am a child-woman of many interests. The complexity of my mind rivals the simplicity and guilelessness of my heart. Adaptive and unprejudiced, i always go out of my way to give people the benefit of the doubt. I seek to understand people and resolve situations, never complicate them needlessly. I am profound in my view of life. I have a big, infectious laugh and a larger than life personality. Sometimes i can come off as a braggart or over confident. Though never my intention, i see no point in holding back from doing what needs to be done given specific instances. Like everyone else, i have my insecurities, particularly concerning my weight and age, but i never allow these to get in my way of doing what i think is right and appropriate. I am not afraid of and have nothing against being corrected if i am wrong. In fact, i appreciate it, for i seek to develop myself continuously. I am an eternal scholar. Life for me is a continuous learning opportunity. I know that i am as equally capable and important as every one else. I am all heart and all mind. I am all woman. I have strengths and weaknesses, but through it all, despite my emotions, i know it is a waste to balk at any impediments i encounter in my journey. I am my perfectly imperfect self. Despite my vulnerabilities, i know that i have it in me to fight hard and relentlessly if i choose to. I would rather turn my back on and ignore conflicts than make enemies if the situation cannot be resolved. I can be selfless most times, but when it comes to my loved ones, i can be fierce and very protective. I thrive on being productive and useful. Uncannily, i am drawn to people or situations where i feel and think i would be of assistance. The compulsion to help out and direct my efforts to bettering situations drives me so that it comes as no surprise why i am often seen as altruistic and kind. Well, i am a nice person, and i try to always put my best foot forward and treat people nicely. I can be very patient, but i explode like a volcano once i am fed up, especially if I have been exposed to too much injustice and have been treated unfairly on purpose for a long period of time. I am your next door intellectual Ms. Goody Two-Shoes with an eccentric flair. Like all women, i am sugar and spice on the inside, and though generally nice, i can be quite a bitch if the situation calls for it. I would rather swallow the truth and bleed to death than be lied to or lead on. I am diplomatic but upfront, never ambiguous. I say what i mean, and i mean what i say. I am compromising, and i tend to take time to always meet people halfway in order to avoid conflicts and keep the peace. I have equal respects for my and other people's opinions. So what else is there to say about me? Besides being a lover of music, art, and literature in general and a fanatic of sci-fi/horror/psychological movies and books , i have a huge sweet tooth and am a sucker for flowers and teddy bears. Also, though i love being in the water and am thrilled by hiking and extreme theme park rides, on the whole, i am the quintessential couch potato nerd, who, although prone to devote a good deal of my time learning, writing, thinking, and doing things that need to be done; would gladly spend quiet, tender moments with my beloved and the other people i care deeply for, doing mundane things like just idling around, chatting, or doing things together like putter around the house; stroll in the mall; snuggle; browse in the bookstore; take in the scenery at the park, beach, etc.; attend concerts or events; clown around; watch TV/movies; or cook/bake something nice to eat in the kitchen. I am waiting for S______ to go online. The whole day long i had to put up with having his image intrude my thoughts time and time again. There is no denying that i miss him so. Last night though i wanted to interrupt his chat with her even just to say "hi," i couldn't. What he had to do and what she had to bear was a most difficult and painful process i know too well. Though i feel sad for her, i am still relieved and very grateful that he had chosen me over her. I just hope i never fail him, and/or he never gets around to rescinding his decision...And yet, here i am trying my best to stay awake while anxiously awaiting him online, fretting in silence, wondering if he is having second thoughts about it right this very minute. I logged in at Oasis just to make sure i catch him if he ever goes there, so we can chat. As is our practice, we log in but stay invisible unless we intend to chat with anyone that is. In my case, just him. Of the 40+ contacts i have there, i only yearn to chat with one, Stephan. At DIA, despite receiving messages every now and then from various strangers around the globe, all of them unified in their interest for me, i don't waste time lingering and hastily leave the site, without so much as even reading new messages, to wait for Stephan at Oasis or YM. Round the Bend With only four minutes to midnight, i'm beginning to lose hope that he would ever go online tonight. The waiting is killing me. I tried playing a game earlier to help divert my attention, hence making the waiting bearable, but the fun was never there. It was impossible to concentrate, let alone enjoy, the game. Every click of the mouse, alerted me to check whether or not he has already shown up online. I've been waiting for him for almost three hours. I messaged him several times already, including the ones i sent earlier today via yahoo mail. From the moment i got home, i went online right away without even bothering to get out of my work clothes to slip into something more comfortable. Fourteen more minutes to go. I can only stay until one in the morning. Going beyond that meant having to sacrifice the sleep i badly needed, especially because i haven't had sufficient sleep these past two days. Okay, besides burning the midnight oil, working on the remaining pages of the book, my attention was divided throughout as i chatted with him for hours. Call it crazy, but i think i have fallen for Stephan. I know it doesn't make sense to assume that this is indeed love. Yet i have no other way of defining this powerful feeling that draws me to him. Rationality has nothing to do with it. This feeling is all there is, and regardless of my fear of uncertainty, i am plunging in... Sadness has dominated my thoughts for the past few days. Ever since i handed my boss my resignation, i find myself torn and hurting badly from within. A part of me wants to stay, but my conscience dictates that moving on and never looking back is the best and only option i have right now. Though i still have more than a couple of weeks to wrap things up and endorse my work to my junior writer, i am already starting to miss them. Even my boss. But i've got to go. I need to get the kind of treatment, professional environment, and benefits befitting a writer of my status (What status?!). I cannot let my struggle with maintaining my confidence get in the way. Lord, this ain't easy at all. Help. I implore you please...Help. I can choose to be a martyr and stay where i am despite the obvious injustice--meager pay; absence of a decent work station; and crappy, conceited voice loggers. After all, my colleagues are there to make things worth my while with their warm, cheerful company. I would miss them badly i know; especially the designers, my junior writer, and yes my boss whom i've backed up and worked with through thick and thin. On my last day, i don't think i would be able to hold back the tears. I have to move on and keep on struggling. Happiness is a choice. I choose to be happy. I've been with so many people throughout my life, and i have forgotten none of them. I may have moved on from one company to another, tutored my students until they were strong enough to be on their own and set off for college, worked hard to make life a little better for the many bosses i've worked for as well as colleagues who worked with me; but through it all, i have nurtured a special place for each and every one of them in my heart. They comprised a part of my life and vice versa. Until my last day on earth, I know i would always hold a special place for them. Goodbye is just the beginning of a new life. It is time to take on a new challenge. So help me God. The present is all i've got. The past is just a memory; the future is just a hazy dream. As much as i would like to set my sights on the joy of tomorrow, the practical side of myself suggests that i focus on today and make the most of it. Though i'm still on my diet, my life is the way it has always been--no radical or amusing events or changes or whatsoever. As always, most of my days are spent at work. These days, after taking on additional writing and illustrating workloads from sideline jobs at the publishing house and my bro's studio, even my weekends are crammed with deadlines. It would be hypocrisy to say that working during rest days does not stress me out. It does--but not in a negative way. For starters, the additional income would really be a great help to my deplorable financial state. Setting aside money matters, the distraction keeps my mind off my loneliness and disappointments. Besides, having lived like this for as long as i could recall, i cannot think of any other way to make my days worthwhile. It is a great thing that at least, the kinds of work i do for a living are directly aligned with my passions. I know there are other opportunities out there for me that are more financially lucrative. But if they are in no way related to my passions, then i have no choice but to overlook them deliberately. I may not know myself as well as i ought to, but i do know myself enough to know what works for me and what doesn't. Being a quick learner, i can easily grasp instructions and learn new tasks, even those totally unrelated to my passions. However, the creative drive fueling my inborn artistry is way more powerful than reality, meaning that pragmatism is not a question where my passions are at stake. The need to write and paint burns so strongly within me that i often find myself at its mercy. I can easily put up with any task without so much as the slightest complaint or grumble, but after some time, i begin to itch. When this happens, i know i have to do something creative. If i don't, then i become an easy prey for depression. Whether i write or paint or do both, the important thing is to set my restless creative spirit free. I write and paint for the love of it. Getting paid is just an added bonus. Either i get paid for my efforts or otherwise, i still forge on and relish the distinguished high i obtain from exercising my crafts. My passions is my present. Since time immemorial, they have constituted a great part of me. They have been my ever-faithful and constant companions from the moment i began to fully acknowledge my existence--my life. I do not want to think about tomorrow anymore. I can't go on living on tenterhooks every single day, worrying myself to death about what could and could not be. Neither do i want to oppugn the awful reality i was unfortunately exposed to in the past. If i had not gone through whatever experience i have had, then i would not be the woman i am today. And the woman i am today is the kind of woman i have always wanted myself to be--at peace with herself and the rest of the world. Funny Dreams I dreamt that i resigned from my day job. In my dream i handed a resignation letter to my boss and told him that i have decided to focus my attention on publishing instead of copywriting and editing. The dream was cut short when i awoke suddenly. But as soon as i fell back to sleep, to my surprise and amusement, it was continued. Again i saw myself seated right next to my boss handing him my resignation. This time, however, i told him that i would be moving to England to work as a renowned illustrator and writer. In both dreams, my boss remained totally oblivious to my resignation. He regarded me with a smile as he spoke, "Let's work on a project. We'll start out with this, and later on you can begin writing that part." When i awoke once more, it was dawn. I got up and immediately started to ready myself for the work day ahead, pushing aside the memory of my dream. Now, as i sit here conditioning myself to do a few more illustrations prior to hitting the sack by blogging, i can't help but smile upon remembering that dream. Funny. Very funny. I have to admit that at some point, the thought of resigning crossed my mind. Particularly from the start of this year, the thought has become more prevailing. I could be exasperated, exhausted, or just downright bored--i thought to myself. But "no. " Deep down inside, i am well aware of the truth that i have come to love my responsibilities and the people i work with to a degree far greater than those which i have developed in my previous jobs. Just thinking of "actually resigning" makes me sad. I don't want to dig further into it. All i know is that at present, i choose to stay put and continue dedicating my efforts to my job and the company i work for. My job has turned into another passion. A passion? Of what kind? The whole thing is so ludicrous and insane. Although totally nonsensical, there is no denying it: this is reality--and it is the present, my present. Bright as the early morning sunshine, my position and my work defines my present, my here and now. |
AuthorMy passions define me; my spirit roams freely. I am a secretly neurotic rational child trapped in an adult woman's body. I live. I burn. I create...Personal rantings on life, love, and everything in between. Archives
January 2012
|