Love is beyond reason, for it is the reason in itself. Though I keep saying how much I miss you, no amount of writing it could equal the depth of my longing for you. How I feel is how it is. There is no use rationalizing it, let alone controlling it. Like a marksman, the only thing I can set my mind and heart on is the certainty that I would hit my target. As to when or how, I cannot tell. All I know is that everything would fall into place at the exact time and under the perfect conditions. As to how this would be possible given my inability to control the force of the wind and other factors, I am solely guided by my intention to hit the mark--and in this case, it is you and my desire for us to be together. So powerful is this certainty despite the abstraction of its nature that I am neither afraid nor worried. To most people, I may come across as a woman who has finally snapped and lost her mind. But I know I am in clear possession of my sanity. 

I have been told more than once of "how different" I am. But this difference is not really something alien to human nature. The only thing that makes me different is that I am rather self-contained, and with this, I have come to embrace the truth, learning to distinguish what is real from what is not while knowing all too well that like everybody else, I too am possessed with my own set of strengths and weaknesses and have the right to live, think, and feel freely as anything and everything in this universe.  

And i wonder...

Actually, I have always wondered  how most people can intentionally overlook the most important aspects of life, just so that they can uphold a false sense of dignity. Reality, though often misinterpreted, is more individualized rather than shared. What the world sets out before us is not what is necessarily true. In fact, more often than not, we are led to believe in illusory ideas that could only give momentary satisfaction. Especially nowadays, it saddens me to see how superficial most people are. They tend to measure their self-worth based on material things--how much they have, what they can afford, what they can do with their money, how many people they can fool, to what degree they can fool them, and how well they can give the impression of grandeur, never mind if it's contrary to the truth or not.

People wanting to conquer the world when they do not even have the slightest idea of what the world truly looks like--and really, they need not look any farther. Why? Because the world is what we have in our hearts and minds. The life we share as one is just a shared space where each of our worlds spin. Think of it as the universe with many galaxies, and in each one a number of planets. The universe is not the world, but the quality and state of life thriving in each planet. The kind of life thriving in each planet is not dictated by the universe although it is imperative that the planet stays on its orbit to be able to exist. At times there are planets that can share the same orbit, and this symbolizes the moment lives touch, meaning worlds come to a certain point where they exist as one.

How it all began...

That is exactly what happened to our individual planets. They shared the same orbit and met at an exact point in time. I smiled at you, and you smiled back. That was how it all began. How two souls from distant lands with differentiated worlds met and found a likeness in each other. Two souls reflecting each other. Mirrored images so very similar in every aspect yet so unlike each other at the same time. Such is the irony of life. Such is the irony of our love. 

If you only knew how i've been dying to touch you and be with you. If only the universe can understand how much i would gladly give up for a moment, a fraction in time, spent with you. Then maybe...Maybe it would grant me a little mercy and give me that precious chance, that precious moment. A moment that would take place in reality and not just in dreams. A moment whereby i can feel your warmth against mine. A moment when we can be one, not just in mind but in heart, body, and soul. 

Am i asking for too much? Do you find my way of thinking and feeling too out-of-this world? My kind of love too suffocating? I do hope not. Believe me, my love, i would never ever kill your freedom by suffocating you with my affections. My love for you is borne of freedom, truthfulness, and an overwhelming desire for you to be happy. My heart may revolve around you, but in no way am i going to chain your heart and strangle it just so that i can please myself. I am in love with you, and by this i live when you live. I exist when you exist. Your happiness is also mine regardless of whether or not it would coincide with my intentions. Though imperfect, the love i have for you is true to the core. True in itself. Beyond questions. Beyond reality. Beyond us. 

Funny how love is. When you are still in search of it, the world is such a big place presenting too many options that you find yourself swamped and unable to think of where to look first. But then, even before you can start thinking of turning to a particular direction, your heart has already directed your steps. Soon enough you find yourself face to face with your eternity, the reflection of your soul whose heart beats in time with yours. What was once a world that seemed too big has suddenly become so small, revolving around one man and nobody else.  

What tomorrow holds...

You may find this ranting a little queer, deviating from what most people would consider "standard." But this is the best way i know how to encapsulate this moment, this eternity in itself. Words are all i have now to express how my heart feels. Given the chance to do more, i would have done so, even without prodding. There are so many things going on inside my head right now. So many questions, yet not a single one answered.  Nonetheless, all i want is to spill it out. In time my questions would get the answers they require, one by one or at the same time. And speaking of time, i am biding my time, for time and these words are all i have right now.  These days, there are times when i just want to live in dreams forever and not have to wake up anymore, so i can be with you. Yet i know that this is the challenge we have to face. A challenge we must overcome to confirm and strengthen this love that has begun to blossom from within us. A challenge i am more than willing to take at any price. 



Tomorrow is ours to claim. For now we would have to make do with living in dreams. But only for now...

I have just received the weekly newsletter i subscribe to from the positivity blog, and this week the topic was about the different traits characterizing highly ineffective people. Of the six traits discussed therein, i am guilty of numbers 3 and 4, especially 4 "thinking too much."

It is conspicuous, isn't it? Though i may not be as ineffective as most people, still i keep bad habits that hamper my efficiency, the most prominent of which is my penchant for over-analyzing situations. As a writer, it is but natural that i use my head almost 100% of the time, particularly at work. However, as is my typical nature, there are times when my thoughts just run away from me. No it is not my imagination working over time(which is really not unusual in itself given that i also have one hell of a wild imagination), but my analytical mind. Just like everything else, too much of a good thing turns bad, and thinking, though mandatory for homo sapiens, can be lethal the moment it becomes inexorable.

But all is not lost. It is not yet too late to put on the breaks and make a change for the better. And so i am breaking this cycle, this pattern of letting my thoughts overtake me, which has been a compulsive and somewhat(just somewhat?LOL) burdening habit i(fear) was born with. Actually, i already made some progress even before i came to realize the need to do this. Overworking my brain by taking on more than enough writing job that i could handle (I owe myself an apology for beating my mind so due to this.) has worked my machine head way too much to the point of breaking... Thinking almost non-stop pushed it to maximum overload that i do not even had to worry about getting lulled to sleep, for i automatically doze off as soon as my back touches my bed. Several times in the past week, i fell asleep in my work clothes. Often, i dozed off in the car en route to the office and back home.

Way back in high school, my knowledge of how different i am compared to my peers lead me to think that i was nuts. Then it dawned to me that a psycho could never possibly be aware of his condition since his illness renders him incapable of being self-aware. The fact that i was questioning my sanity only proved that i was self-aware, meaning i am perfectly sane. I was just not the typical teenage girl in terms of how my mind works, despite being just another face in a crowd of innocent lasses educated to conform to strict standards.

Does this mean i should stop doing self-introspection via spilling my thoughts on this blog? No not at all. I am using this blog as a ranting page besides being a vehicle for promoting my services as a writer, editor, and artist. All i have to do is to control my over-active mind. At times, instead of continuously digging into my psyche(which has started to repulse me lately), i should discuss other matters in a beneficial way for me--diverting my focus while relaxing my mind at the same time. By this, i would have to strictly follow a list of measures intended to keep my mind from getting taxed needlessly. These measures are self-improvement means on their own. Aside from reining in my compulsion to "think too much," they also better me on the whole from the inside-out, and maybe, even vice-versa.

• No more Ms.Worrywart.

Says Katherine Schwarzenneger in an article i've read yesterday, " Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn't change anything, and it steals your happiness." I cannot agree with her more on this. Before i have written an article talking about the demerits of worrying. Easier said than done, the compulsion to worry is not as easy to break regardless of how well aware i am of  its potential to kill me from within little by little. I used to be quite a worrywart when i was younger. But as the years added on, i sobered up and became wiser. These days, though i worry when facing certain situations, i can proudly say that i no longer fall into the same category. In other words, i am no longer the neurotic damsel i used to be! Yippeeee!!!

With uncertainty confronting me on a daily basis, worrying is inevitable. Nonetheless, i am adamant about keeping control. I consider the matter carefully for a while, thinking over the vital aspects only and how they would figure out in my immediate present and near future. Then without further ado, i just stop there and not think about it anymore. Though hard at first, as the temptation to think of it nags at your brain from time to time, with persistence and practice i eventually got the hang of it. Soon enough it ingrained itself into my system that the whole process becomes automatic. When this happened, i succeeded in...

• Killing the paranoid android(Better yet, kept myself from becoming a paranoid android).

Excessive worrying turns a person into a paranoid android who is lorded over by his own fears and anxieties. I am not quite sure if i had reached the point whereby i have already morphed into this uncontrollable worrywart i call the "paranoid android." The moment worry dominates your consciousness, you become paranoid programmed solely by your anxieties much like an android--and needless to say, i think i would be better off dead than live pathetically like this, being a slave to my own fears.

• Control curiosity and use my emotions productively.

When red days near and i find myself thinking of my love more often than usual, all i have to do is close my eyes and indulge myself with thoughts of him(nothing sexual just romantic LOL). Never again would i check out if he is at Oasis or anywhere else online. At times the need for having him near can be quite unbearable. Though i have yet to actually know how it feels to be in his arms, it does nothing to keep myself from thinking about him and wanting him so much to the point that it already becomes a driving need. Whenever i am at the mercy of my yearning for him, and i feel as if i am about to burst from this surge of too much love for him, i would just vent my frustrations by writing poems, anecdotes, blogging, or sketching/painting. This way, i get to use the time and my emotions wisely while protecting myself from unwanted anxieties or ideas that may crop up from satiating my curiosity.

Okay, for now this would have to do. I am now itching to check out the new clothes available at Looklet--a virtual community for wanna-be/real fashion stylists, and try them out. I still have five more pointers to discuss and elaborate on. Today was exhausting(as usual), but not too much compared to the past weeks.  Losing the project was not at all that bad. On the upside, i get to enjoy my free time, thus keeping myself sane and physically healthy.