Depression hits me from out of the blue as always. When it comes, it does so with nary a warning nor a hint as to why of all people i have to be its chosen target. The causes are not what matter but the consequences of its onslaught. For several years now, i have managed to take full control of myself, thus warding off depressive moods successfully. However, these days, particularly from the beginning of this year, i found myself weakening little by little.

Okay, so i am still in full control. The moment the dark clouds of depression start to creep in and threaten my usual sunny disposition, i am alerted immediately. At its worst, whenever i fail to address the depressive feeling head on, i have to make it through the day feeling like crap--all glum and irritable, snapping at anything and everything that dares disturb the hollow silence of my world. Nonetheless, i never let myself be overwhelmed totally. I never allow myself to spend more than two days brooding inside my head. I let myself grieve but only for a while. Afterwards, i bounce back and get my life back on track. In so doing, i am prompted to use all of my inner strength and will power. A solid decision to steer my thoughts away from negativity is worth it to regain my sanity and the order i need to continue living my life in peace at its usual pace.

Depression is one formidable foe. Killing it is no easy task. But with will power and God's help, it can be overcome. In fact, overcoming it can bring out the best in any person, making him stronger and better equipped in facing life's many hassles. I have succeeded several times in killing depression before it can ruin my life. Today, though i feel myself at its throes once more, i am not going to back out and let it overpower me. I am going to fight using all my might and kill depression the best way i know how:

Pray.
When things start going downhill, the best way to reclaim resolve and get a hold of oneself is to "look up." Where human strength fails, God's magnanimity shines through. Though i may not be the best servant in the world(I know and acknowledge that to be a fact.), i am certain of my faith and belief in God's greatness. Like today, being in the doldrums of my so-called life means having to spend some time communing with God thru prayer. Prayer alone quiets the tumult in my head and calms the raging emotions in my childlike heart. Need i say more?

Limit solitude.
And so i am alone, to think that solitude should be minimized whenever my already-lonely life takes a downward turn for the lonelier depths of existence. But i have chosen to be on this spot, after deciding to absent myself again because i didn't get to sleep last night--another sleepless episode with insomnia and my mom's intermittent hollering in her sleep. Honestly, i know for a fact that being alone when you are already in the grips of loneliness can drag your spirits farther down. Thus, it is only apt that i drag my butt out of this room later in the afternoon, and mingle with the people at the nearby grocery store or fastfood restaurant.

Get my creative juices flowing.
Blogging would suffice for now. With my materials at my parents' home and at the office, how can i paint? However, it can't be denied that my right hand has been itching to create some wicked paintings or sculptures these past few days. I have been in the creative lull far too long that i feel my sanity slowly slipping away(lol). For the sake of keeping myself pulled together, i need to paint or write something creative like a poem or short story. 

The droning detailed research task, which is actually not part of the tasks we should be doing given our job description, has got my mind locked in a state of limbo devoid of creativity for quite some time now. I tried journaling at work during my lunch hour, but every time i did, my boss had to interrupt me to discuss work-related matters. I thought he was trying to catch me doing other sideline writing jobs unrelated to the office--something i would never ever do being all morally uptight as i am, not to mention that there is a need to keep my position since it is my security blanket, both financially and emotionally speaking. Then, it occurred to me that he was merely venting his own frustrations at what we are doing. He knows all too well that what he asked us to do was no longer included in the set of responsibilities for our respective positions. Yet there was nothing he could do. And there was nothing any of us, as his subordinates, could do either. That was why i felt the need to blog. Not that he was stifling my freedom to use my lunch hour for creative expression. Probably, he was just trying to keep me out of trouble. Doing personal blogs at the office risks getting our sentiments out into the open for our bosses to peruse. If whatever we have to say has something to do with them in any way, especially if it is loaded with adverse sentiments, then automatically we put our necks on the line. 

The lesson? Restrict blogging to the confines of home and any other places so long as it is beyond the pale yellow walls of our office. Good Lord, you know how much i'm willing to go out of my way to fully exercise that freedom to speak up via writing right now. Sad to say, this freaking broadband is not as efficient as it ought to be--far from it actually, hence i am disabled from exercising my freedom to write so to speak. Oh, well, after spending some time idling at the fastfood restaurant and grocery later, i'll catch up on my reading and prayer time. Then maybe i can write a poem or two to vent my frustrations before hitting the sack.

Hit the gym.
I've just gone back to the gym and worked up a sweat last night for an entire hour. It was so great! Okay, so i have yet to get back to the rigid diet i have vowed to stick with until the first quarter of next year. I am going to do that tomorrow. Today though, i had nachos and a grapefruit for breakfast and lunch. Fattening meals? Indeed. But what's done is done. Anytime tonight, all those nachos i gorged on for the day would be making their way out of my large intestines and out of my...and into the septic tank to join the rest of their cousins in that disgusting stinking paradise they call home. That done, i can forget about them and get started with sticking to my original diet plans.

Confide in a trusted confidante. 
No human friend around here to talk to as far as i'm concerned. My roommate is at work right now, and i really don't want to talk her ear off lamenting about having to survive yet another visitation of the blues. Besides, it is a secret i keep between me and this blogsite alone. My mom, though i have told her about it, does not really give my "issue" that much thought. Knowing that her daughter is one hell of a silent fighter whose fierce independence and razor sharp head comes with a fiery courage to match, she is confident that i would make it through in one piece as i have always done before. 

Beneath the delicate features of my constantly smiling countenance, i am aware of the no nonsense well-trained amazon brainiac lurking within. I have weaknesses, yes. But i am also possessed with remarkable strengths that never fail to surprise people, even myself at times. During somber days like this, i just need an outlet to help me recharge my spirits and get on with my life. Would my blogsite be good enough to qualify as a confidante then? Inanimate as it is, it still allows me to vent my stress and pour my heart out, doesn't it? It may not give me that warm shoulder to cry on or a reliable advice only a trusted friend can give, but it lets me enjoy the freedom to rant...and rant...and rant to my heart's content. 

Promises are not meant to be broken. They are made to be kept, and keep them I shall do. Being human, i am not inured to my personal failings, especially during times when i am not my usually equanimous self. I have said that i am more of a dreamer than i am a doer. But actually, i want both qualities to be on equal footing. I want to dream uninhibitedly at the same time have the drive and energy to carry out my intentions, hence transforming my dreams into reality.

At times, i feel as if i think too much. Then again, there are also times when i think i am not using my brains often enough or as well enough as i ought to. Very funny...This contradiction resulting from the extreme sides of myself never fails to amuse me. I wish i could look deeper into other people's psyche apart from those of my immediate family and friends. These days, i see myself as too full of myself after having done too much self-introspection, which i have poured on several blogs scattered throughout the Internet, including this one.

But as much as i dig into myself, it has never happened that i have never uncovered anything new. I guess, for each one of us, should we really make self-introspection a habit, we would always stumble upon some amusing or novel aspects about us every time we get inside ourselves. Such is the richness and complexity of the human persona. Too often a time we confine ourselves to who we think we are based on how others' perceive us or how we have fared through the years, as proven by our dealings with varied personal experiences on diversified deeper intellectual, emotional, and even spiritual levels. Little do we realize that there is so much more to who we are and what we can do than how we have been trained to see ourselves. I have long realized this though i have never been to quick on jumping on the gun and acting on any of the personal realizations i stumbled upon.

And it is during these moments that i have come to terms with the need to fulfill promises, my need to stay true to my words. I know how hard this is. Promises have always been easier said than done. For most of us, making promises  could take up no more than a second or two, but fulfilling them? Talk about indeterminable time periods lasting up to a lifetime or even beyond it at times.

But let us face it: It is in our ability to keep promises that we prove our strength and integrity as individuals; in the course of doing so, we bring to focus the things that we truly value most in life.

Promises Meant to Be Kept!

I don't want to break promises anymore. This time, i would see to it that i do not make promises i can't keep, even those i dedicate to myself. From this day onwards, i would work hard to fulfill them, hence making the journey towards turning my dreams into the reality they should be. My kind of reality. With God's blessings, these promises to myself i would fulfill:

• Drop 8-10 lbs. monthly!

The most troublesome challenges i face in sticking to my diet are my blasted moods and these freaking hormones. When stressed out, i find myself lusting for foods, particularly those that are unhealthy. As my red days near, i am plunged into a similar dilemma. The emotional upheavals cause me to resort to instant pacifiers, which usually come in the form of food cravings. Either i give in or risk losing control and lashing out at any unfortunate person who would dare push my sensitive buttons. This has got to stop. Beginning today, i am acquiring a more stringent, albeit more sensible eating plan accompanied by rigorous physical activities. Five times a week, i would dedicate to working out at the gym or at home using my exercise gadgets. On eating, occasional indulgences done in well-monitored moderation is permitted. Also, i would keep a diet and exercise log to better keep track of my progress.

• Get wise with spending!

Like my mom, i am one of those people my aunt calls "one-day millionaires." Money in my hands is liquid. I better rein in my wayward ways with money and start clearing up my financial mess ASAP. I have just received my loan and allotted most of it to paying my bills(from other loans). I managed to use some of it to get a new bag and the remainder  I would deposit in the bank, hence making my first-ever personal bank account! Hooray! Okay, so i have used up some of it, but i promise to give it back as soon as i get my paycheck. Moreover, i was told that i would get the royalty check from the book i have edited anytime this week--another additional income besides my regular salary. Yipee! 90% of that would be added to my would-be personal account. I can't go on living the life of a mindless spender. It's high time i set my sights on securing my future despite being single.

• Save! Save! Save!

As i have previously mentioned, i am going to open a personal bank account. I hope to save 1500-2000 pesos of my monthly salary, half the extra pay i get from tutoring, and most if not all of the money i make on the side doing freelance writing, editing, illustrating, and making visual or story concepts. Ironically, my strong ability to acquire money is equaled by my mindless financial handling. I can save and change my ways with money, and that is what i am going to do right now!

• Have stronger control over my moods and thoughts!

I am moody. Though i have long learned the rightful art of taming my thoughts, i know that my control is not as thorough and firm as it should be. I have the right and capacity to direct my mind and steer it away from my moods. Mind control is fueled by strong will. Achieving good control over one's mind means exercising a powerful will. I am strong and determined. My God-given ability to create is as good as my capacity to keep my thoughts grounded on what i think is right and just.

• Get back to painting and writing poetry!

I have very talented hands, my father's hands. My abstracted ability with images is matched by my inherent romanticism with words, making me a natural poet. As my mentor has told me back in college,  "i speak the language of poetry." The poetry of images and words is instilled in my subconscious and consciousness. Having been sucked into the corporate world where i have to direct my concentration on writing for  corporate and advertising purposes coupled with foolproof editing has somewhat sapped the free-flowing course of my naturally poetic self. I have to get back and attend to the yearnings of my heart and soul. On Wednesday, i would get pens and other materials for painting. A painting a week and a poem a day. Though getting past that awkward phase of retracing my path to achieve the level where i once was is hard, i would forge onwards still. No use allowing that stupid pride to get in my way.

• Keep my spiritual obligations and promises!

Never miss Sunday mass and other religious obligations requiring me to attend mass. Spend time nurturing my spiritual side by staying at the monastery to pray the rosary after mass on Sundays, as i stay true to my Wednesday devotion to St.Claire of Assissi. And of course, pray often and never fail to read the bible daily!

• Keep negative forces at bay!

Be it crazymakers, useless thoughts, or those blasted moods; i am shutting all of them out of my world and mind. I would never let them affect me or my life ever again. I know who i am. I know what i want; i know how to get them. I can accept that there are things i can't have and aspects that are way beyond my capacity to take on and understand. I have my strengths and limitations. I am far from perfect, but i am my perfectly imperfect self. I am good at heart though i break in the face of certain challenges given vulnerable times. And it is during these times of weakness that i cling to God and admit the vulnerability of my human nature. Where my strength ends, Gods magnanimity and power begins to manifest all the more. I am a child of the universe, thus to the universe i submit myself.

Honestly, though i have never really complained loudly whenever i do not get my way with things, it never fails to drag my moods down. Today is the last day of my novena. After this week, i shall continue to make my weekly pilgrimage to the St.Claire monastery and write up a new set of petitions. As always, i would offer half a dozen eggs wrapped in colored cellophane and a garland or two of flowers to her along with the letter containing my petitions, which i would drop at the petition box at their office beside the chapel. Of the 11 wishes i have religiously written in 9 letters using pretty stationery paper, some have already been granted. Others are already showing signs of promise. But then again, there is one wish, the one i heart the most, that does not hold the least bit of promise of getting fulfilled soon or even in the near future.

Frankly speaking, it hurts. The pain, though not sufficiently debilitating to cripple me from functioning normally and holding my head up high, is palpable enough for me not to pay heed. Knowing myself, when in pain, i get mad just like a man. Getting hurt means my vulnerable spot has been targeted and hit bulls-eye, weakening me from within.  Every time this deplorable circumstance occurs, i fight back. My pride puts up a defense in the form of raw, masculine anger. Somewhere within, i can feel a part of me lingering in the memory of my loss, crying out, albeit in absolute silence. I have never been a blatantly proud person. In fact, i have little difficulty setting my pride aside in most situations, particularly those that involve other people. Ever self-sacrificing and pragmatic, emotionally and intellectually speaking, i see no need to stay proud if others' welfare is at stake. But when my tender heart is under attack, worse, wounded, the pride steps forth on its own and acts as a shield.

The only problem is i find it hard to contain the rage flaring inside me. Although i manage to stay rational, thus in control of myself and my circumstances, i can't deny that my mind is already partly clouded by rage.

Lord, let me just cry. Please?

But what use is it to get mad? Your will, Lord, is supreme and all-wise. You know far better than i do when it comes to what is best for me. Though my stubbornness refuses to accept reason, i know and accept that despite the pain of not getting what i want so badly, You always have the best explanation ready. And Your reasons are always what is rightful for me, whether i find them acceptable or not.

Despite my pain, i promise to remain faithful, Lord. Always and forever. Amen.

This photo taken from Yahoo images shows a portion of the damage in Japan after the devastating 8.9 magnitude earthquake that hit last Friday. I read several news clips covering differentiated details of the destruction as experienced in varying levels of society with diversified consequences. Nonetheless, all of them share the same common denominator: appalling destruction and devastation in heartbreaking magnitudes. As i absorb the details in my head, my eyes well up on their own, and i just find myself crying in the midst of my reading. By nature, i have long been aware that marshmallow and an unexplainable wealth of tears constituted my heart. Though i vehemently refuse to cry in public and in front of people, even loved ones and friends; images of war, carnage, catastrophes, killings, grief, and human sufferings of all sorts have never failed to tug at my very tender heartstrings. As always, even if these images are just in movies,  i can do nothing but shed a tear or two. And in the case of an all-too-undeniable reality such as this,  i can't help but  just get torn apart.

Beyond the destruction to civilization, my heart goes out to the thousands of human and animal lives lost. Though not much of a consolation, the speed of death dealt upon them by the tsunami and the earthquake is nature's gesticulation of mercy. Death , experienced instantaneously, is the greatest act of mercy any living creature can obtain during the remaining seconds of his life. Nature, being God's work, knows and gives a great deal of it. Man alone, corrupted by evil in his twisted state, is capable of inflicting torturous sufferings in mind-boggling inhumane levels.

I credit to this pondering the alleviation of my sadness, even if it is just a bit. It has happened. Though the images of destruction stays fresh in their minds, those who were left behind have no other recourse but to rebuild their lives on whatever little is left in their hands. For now, it is best to grieve their loss. But come tomorrow, though encumbered with a heavy heart, they must start anew and begin the journey towards a new life.

Disasters, like every other trial, brings out the best and worst in people. In what could be considered as the second greatest tragedy that hit their country since the World War II, the  Japanese people have proven the moral solidarity ingrained in the unflagging discipline, which their culture is renowned for. Unlike other countries struck with the same dismal fate, anarchy did not ensue in Japan. Even if they are stripped with everything, even the bare necessities for survival, their discipline and concern for their fellowmen regardless of their individual conditions remained intact. There was no looting, no murders, no senseless acts of violence driven by madness and selfishness--to think that history has painted a bad portrait of the Japanese people as merciless torturers during the height of the World War II.

There is no denying that they have caused many to suffer during that dark age in our  world history. But what we are seeing now is a direct contrast to that shadowed image. And as i read on, i couldn't help but smile. In the worst of circumstances, the best in the Japanese people shone through. Truly commendable. Very admirable.

Let us continue praying for the Japanese people and the world at large. I know i would.

Writing, like painting and illustrating, is among the greatest loves of my life. I write for the sake of writing. The desire to spill my heart and soul through the words springing forth from my mind fuels me. I am indifferent to money...Or even fame. It would be hypocritical to say that i do not toy with the fantasy of becoming a renowned author in the near future though. I do. But the desire to claim glory is remote compared to that driving need to hone my craft so as to better share myself through my God-given ability with words. And with this, i would wield my hand's might with images to give visual form to the emotions and thoughts they represent. My thirst for words and images seems insatiable. The biggest challenge is not coming up with what to write, but overcoming that blockade of anxiety brought on by my insecurities. I can write--that is apparent. But write well and as well as possible? This, as with all the other mysteries of life that have haunted me, has always been "the nagging question with an ever-elusive answer. "

I want to believe that I can. I am trying hard to instill in my mind that i am an excellent writer, in as much the same way that i am an excellent artist. I know i have it in me to be one, but unlike my natural ability for images, my confidence in my ability to wield words is not as full. I do hope and fervently pray that it is. But i know that i have to work harder to make this reality--or at least convince myself that it is so, or i am capable of making it so. Building my power with words is an ongoing and uphill battle. Though it is not at all hard for me to conjure the words befitting whatever idea i want to express, that critical voice at the back of my mind, never ceasing to question if i'm using the best ones or what, fails not to hinder the flow of my creative spirit.

Yet, i adamantly refuse to be overpowered. Not now. Not tomorrow. Not ever. That critical voice has to be shut up right this very minute. I won't let it rob me of my valuable opportunity to share myself with the world and delight myself at the same time. The right to write is mine. Writing is the beating of my heart. To inhibit my desire to  write is just as good as stifling my thinking, thus putting an end to this deplorable existence once and for all. If i cease to write, i cease to think. With this, i cease to live. It is that simple.

And i want to live...