I am waiting for S______ to go online. The whole day long i had to put up with having his image intrude my thoughts time and time again.  There is no denying that i miss him so. Last night though i wanted to interrupt his chat with her even just to say "hi," i couldn't. 

What he had to do and what she had to bear was a most difficult and painful process i know too well. Though i feel sad for her, i am still relieved and very grateful that he had chosen me over her. I just hope i never fail him, and/or he never gets around to rescinding his decision...And yet, here i am trying my best to stay awake while anxiously awaiting him online, fretting in silence,  wondering if he is having second thoughts about it right this very minute. 

I logged in at Oasis just to make sure i catch him if he ever goes there, so we can chat. As is our practice, we log in but stay invisible unless we intend to chat with anyone that is. In my case, just him. Of the 40+ contacts i have there, i only yearn to chat with one, Stephan. At DIA, despite receiving messages every now and then from various strangers around the globe, all of them unified in their interest for me, i don't waste time lingering and hastily leave the site, without so much as even reading new messages, to wait for Stephan at Oasis or YM.

Round the Bend

With only four minutes to midnight, i'm beginning to lose hope that he would ever go online tonight. The waiting is killing me. I tried playing a game earlier to help divert my attention,  hence making the waiting bearable, but the fun was never there. It was impossible to concentrate, let alone enjoy, the game. Every click of the mouse, alerted me to check whether or not he has already shown up online. 

I've been waiting for him for almost three hours. I messaged him several times already, including the ones i sent earlier today via yahoo mail. From the moment i got home, i went online right away without even bothering to get out of my work clothes to  slip into something more comfortable.  

Fourteen more minutes to go. I can only stay until one in the morning. Going beyond that meant having to sacrifice the sleep i badly needed, especially because i haven't had sufficient sleep these past two days. Okay, besides burning the midnight oil, working on the remaining pages of the book, my attention was divided throughout as i chatted with him for hours. 

Call it crazy, but i think i have fallen for Stephan. I know it doesn't make sense to assume that this is indeed love. Yet i have no other way of defining this powerful feeling that draws me to him. Rationality has nothing to do with it. This feeling is all there is, and regardless of my fear of uncertainty, i am plunging in...

Sadness has dominated my thoughts for the past few days. Ever since i handed my boss my resignation, i find myself torn and hurting badly from within. A part of me wants to stay, but my conscience dictates that moving on and never looking back is the best and only option i have right now. Though i still have more than a couple of weeks to wrap things up and endorse my work to my junior writer, i am already starting to miss them. Even my boss. 

But i've got to go. I need to get the kind of treatment, professional environment, and benefits befitting a writer of my status (What status?!). I cannot let my struggle with maintaining my confidence get in the way. Lord, this ain't easy at all. Help. I implore you please...Help. 

I can choose to be a martyr and stay where i am despite the obvious injustice--meager pay; absence of a decent work station; and crappy, conceited voice loggers.  After all, my colleagues are there to make things worth my while with their warm, cheerful company.  I would miss them badly i know; especially the designers, my junior writer, and yes my boss whom i've backed up and worked with through thick and thin. On my last day, i don't think i would be able to hold back the tears. 

I have to move on and keep on struggling. Happiness is a choice. I choose to be happy. I've been with so many people throughout my life, and i have forgotten none of them. I may have moved on from one company to another, tutored my students until they were strong enough to be on their own and set off for college, worked hard to make life a little better for the many bosses i've worked for as well as colleagues who worked with me; but through it all, i have nurtured a special place for each and every one of them in my heart.  They comprised a part of my life and vice versa. Until my last day on earth, I know i would always hold  a special place for them. 

Goodbye is just the beginning of a new life. It is time to take on a new challenge. So help me God.