Write through the Static

Just go on
Just go on
We're bound by blood that's moving
From the moment that we start
From the moment that we start
(Chorus of "Go On" by Jack Johnson)
It's insane i know, but there i nothing i can do to keep myself from missing him. Baring my vulnerability to someone i haven't met personally is nothing new to me, really. Even to those i mingle with on a daily basis, especially those i have gotten a little more intimate with on an emotional or intellectual level, though not romantic at all, i have that distinct, albeit annoying, natural inclination to open myself emotionally.  This is suicide on my part, and I am well aware of it.

Leaving my heart for the world to see is akin to giving anyone and every one the license to kill me as they please. I know it is dead wrong. I owe it to myself to protect myself from any harm, be it emotional, psychological, or physical. But relationships, whether platonic or romantic, necessitates such a risk. If not for it, the whole thing is a farce. This is what i believe though, with my being an advocate of honesty and all its merits. Yet i know for a fact that what i believe is not what is necessarily true all the time, or there are other facets to the whole concept of relationships that do not reflect my views at all, which i have either missed or am incapacitated to perceive. 

So shoot me. I am only human after all. The limitation of my views is inherent in my make up. I guess for all of us, regardless of how broad or open-minded we claim ourselves to be, there is no way we can grasp the totality of things--and this has nothing to do with how erudite, uneducated, or guileless we are. Just in the same way that we cannot be in two places at once, so is our capacity to perceive only a specific angle or side of the whole picture at a time. Insisting our views on others is downright foolish. Only idiotic egoists would be prone to do that. Each of us deserves to be given the benefit of the doubt--and i am no exemption.

This Longing...

---

There are still so many things I want to say to you
Just go on
Just go on
("Go On" by Jack Johnson)
Every time i go online, i am sorely tempted to see if he is too and chat him up. The "him" in question is none other than the guy i had fallen for and mentioned in my previous blog, prior to this one.  And (sigh)...even if he is not there, setting aside the possibility of his wanting to be either invisible to me or not,  i find myself unable to resist the urge to leave a short message or two. Sometimes i just let my feelings hang loose and spill my heart out with total abandon. I am out of my mind and in over my head with this overwhelming feeling outpouring for him. It is nonsensical, but what good would it do me to deny it? 

I know our lives are not confined to the limits of this virtual world where we met. There is so much more to life than just chatting, browsing, blogging, working, and surfing the net lackadaisically. Beyond this, we have other people in our lives to attend to, a career to focus on, and the need to contend with the reality of survival in the world we share with others. 

Maybe, though it pains and  chagrins me to think this is so, he must be getting sick and tired of me already. As much as i don't want to appear clingy, when i have fallen for someone, regardless of whether it is in the virtual world(which is rare) or otherwise(which is also rare), i am driven by the need to have his presence in my life constantly. To be able to communicate with him, reach out to him as best as i could, is the main objective. But if this is not possible, just the chance to feel him near or see him briefly, even from a distance, suffices. 

If he were actually mine and we are together, i have to be careful that i don't smother him. Mothering him by smothering him with attention, in a way, is something i can't keep myself from doing, but can definitely tone down. Mother him never henpeck him. Nothing could be had from bullying your man to prove your value as a person, as a woman. A self-made woman in clear possession of her mind and secure in her individuality need not lower herself to playing silly, aimless power games that benefit no one and prove nothing, either to herself or her man or the world at large.  

Going back to the compulsion to "mother your man," i think most women in love are compelled and obliged to attend to their man's needs instinctively.  Being there for him and taking good care of him makes us happy--and being a typical loving woman, again i say, i am no exemption. It is innate. Questioning it is futile because obviously, if i or any woman did not really care for her man on a deep level, she would not be bothered to waste her time with him, let alone attend to his needs. 

Plunge into the "Sea"

---

I can chat up anyone and every one i care to spend my time with online. Gifted with the skills of a natural conversationalist, i can listen to and share ideas with as many people--men or women, locally or internationally, regardless of race and individual differences--at any given time. 

But i can only fall for one man at a time.  As much as i am compelled to be "simple" in my approach to loving and engaging in a romantic relationship, sadly, my current circumstance cannot be defined as such. I was right to indicate in my FB account that i am into a "complicated" relationship. There is no better way to identify it, is there?  The non-exclusivity and uncertainty that comes with online  romantic hookups make it a complex situation in itself. However, this doesn't mean to say that there could be no real feelings involved. There are. The only thing differentiating it is the absence of a physical meeting. Besides that, the involvement and risks are virtually similar. 

No one can say and confirm that relationships which started online are doomed to fail.  All romantic relationships, regardless of how the couple got together, comes with the same risk. It is always 50-50. Dishonesty, though more conducive online, is an option any cheating partner would willingly take given the right circumstances. Likewise, truthfulness and loyalty can still be given and experienced provided you find the right person capable of giving these--and i am one such person. 

I remember him saying during one of our chats that he wanted to found a solid relationship with me. His intention reflects mine.  Dealing with the uncertainty is hard, but i am optimistic. He said he wanted to know everything about me. Well, what he reads here is who i am. Unadulterated, sincere, and without inhibitions. I am a child-woman of many interests. The complexity of my mind rivals the simplicity and guilelessness of my heart. Adaptive and unprejudiced, i always go out of my way to give people the benefit of the doubt. I seek to understand people and resolve situations, never complicate them needlessly. 

I am profound in my view of life. I have a big, infectious laugh and a larger than life personality. Sometimes i can come off as a braggart or over confident. Though never my intention, i see no point in holding back from doing what needs to be done given specific instances. Like everyone else, i have my insecurities, particularly concerning my weight and age,  but i never allow these to get in my way of doing what i think is right and appropriate. I am not afraid of and have nothing against being corrected if i am wrong. In fact, i appreciate it, for i seek to develop myself continuously. I am an eternal scholar. Life for me is a continuous learning opportunity. I know that i am as equally capable and important as every one else. 

I am all heart and all mind. I am all woman. I have strengths and weaknesses, but through it all, despite my emotions, i know it is a waste to balk at any impediments i encounter in my journey. I am my perfectly imperfect self. Despite my vulnerabilities, i know that i have it in me to fight hard and relentlessly if i choose to. I would rather turn my back on and ignore conflicts than make enemies if the situation cannot be resolved. I can be selfless most times, but when it comes to my loved ones, i can be fierce and very protective. 

I thrive on being productive and useful. Uncannily, i am drawn to people or situations where i feel and think i would be of assistance. The compulsion to help out and direct my efforts to bettering situations drives me so that it comes as no surprise why i am often seen as altruistic and kind. Well, i am a nice person, and i try to always put my best foot forward and treat people nicely. I can be very patient, but i explode like a volcano once i am fed up, especially if I have been exposed to too much injustice and have been treated unfairly on purpose for a long period of time.  

I am your next door intellectual Ms. Goody Two-Shoes with an eccentric flair. Like all women, i am sugar and spice on the inside, and though generally nice, i can be quite a bitch if the situation calls for it. I would rather swallow the truth and bleed to death than be lied to or lead on. I am diplomatic but upfront, never ambiguous. I say what i mean, and i mean what i say.  I am compromising, and i tend to take time to always meet people halfway in order to avoid conflicts and keep the peace.  I have equal respects for my and other people's opinions.

So what else is there to say about me? Besides being a lover of music, art, and literature in general and a fanatic of  sci-fi/horror/psychological movies and books , i have a huge sweet tooth and am a sucker for flowers and teddy bears.   Also, though i love being in the water and am thrilled by hiking and extreme theme park rides, on the whole, i am the quintessential couch potato nerd, who, although prone to devote a good deal of my time learning, writing, thinking, and doing things that need to be done; would gladly spend quiet, tender moments with my beloved and the other people i care deeply for, doing mundane things like just idling around, chatting, or doing things together like putter around the house; stroll in the mall; snuggle; browse in the bookstore; take in the scenery  at the park, beach, etc.; attend concerts or events; clown around; watch TV/movies; or cook/bake something nice to eat in the kitchen. 

---