Killing time is wasting money, and vice versa. Though not really new for me, once again i have wasted more than four hours of my precious time waiting for the car pool ride , and with this more than 600 bucks on a crappy movie, greasy dinner, and an expensive overly sweet cup of almond mocha coffee. I know i vowed to be more careful with how i spend my hard-earned money, but wrong decisions led from one thing to another, and before i realized it, i was already throwing away that much for nothing, geesh. 

Arriving home past midnight, i was too pooped out and pissed to even think of what i am supposed to do(homework to give to my students? lesson plan?articles to write?). However, a promise is a promise. So here i am blogging. I have written something at the coffee shop while waiting, but i think i need to beef it up with research data to make it more substantial, thus making it a more-worth-reading material. It's three minutes past one, and i still have to prepare a test for tomorrow. Besides i still have to be up early for car pool ride again to minimize my daily fare expenses. Oh, well...Everything is okay. My life is going at its usual pace. I am no longer plagued by memories of the previous company i worked for--i miss my coworkers and the routine, really. I have finally moved on, albeit a little later than i intended. Time to call it a day and hit the sack. 

Out with the old, in with the new. In the Chinese calendar, 2012 won't be due until the 23rd of this month. But in the international calendar, today is already the 2nd day of January 2012. As with every change of the year, assessing how we lived our lives in the outgoing(In this case, it is already the past year.) year that culminates to our making resolutions in order to live better lives in the incoming year(which is now actually), is nothing short of typical. Enough of my explanations for now. Let us get down to listing my top five resolutions for 2012. 

Here they are:

• Blog daily. 
  

This is what i am doing now. I would no longer listen to the call of my comfy bed and spend a good deal of time dreaming my life away. Whether i am in the mood or not, i would make it a point to drag my butt out of the bed and force myself to blog. I want to become a better writer. Exerting sufficient effort to fulfill this ambition is required. Otherwise, it would just all come to naught. So be it. Regardless of the topic, i would blog and write. 

• Read at least one article daily and a chapter from one of my many books.
  

This would not be very hard. But still i was not able to fulfill this in the past year. As always, my moods got the better of me--and i have had enough of being a slave to my own moodiness. Really. 

• Get back on the diet track.
  

I need not talk about this. For my own health's sake and for the sake of improving my self-image and getting a bit more out my romantic relationship, i better make weight loss a dream come true any time this year. Either that...Oh, well, it is not an option or a choice i have to make but a responsibility. Something i owe to myself and God and my so-called life. 

• Not to mull over my grammatical errors excessively.
  

I think i'm too much of a tight ass writer who is more obsessed with writing faultlessly than writing well. So, to gain better control and keep that OC voice at the back of my head shut for good, i have to make a conscious effort not to read and edit my work more than once after finishing it. 

• Be more prayerful and always look on the bright side even if i'm all bloated and sulky because of PMS(exactly how i am today ooohhh). 
  

The day has just started. How time flies when you are on the net LOL. I woke up early to apply some ginger-lemongrass balm on my scalp, a treatment of sorts, which requires a good 15 minutes to work. But more than 15 minutes have passed already and here i sit in front of Hazel, my laptop(I name her tee-hee), typing away at this blog. Anyways, this won't be long. I would just be sharing two or three videos of my fave tunes that never fail to stimulate me from within. 

The first one "A Night in Fairyland" by Narsilions sets my imagination ablaze. Apart from the fact that the artworks here are synonymous to my style, something about this music inspires me every time i listen to it. I want to get back to painting, illustrating,and writing poetry and good creative prose stuff. I seem to have lost the verve or a part of it(I do hope not). But i'm confident that in time i would regain all of it. 

The next video is a religious song, a classic and fave of mine, "The Power of Love" by Hillsong. My view of God is somewhat distorted(though not negatively) by scientific views concerning aliens and stuff at this point; however, my belief in His love and everything good stays intact. And really, i can't think of any better way to start the day and keep me protected from the negativity in this world, especially those that could pierce my mind and heart, than to listen to this heavenly song. 

The third and last song is Evanescence's "Imaginary the Origin." I love Evanescence. The darkness of their Gothic sound is tamed(though somewhat glomorized) compared to other Goth rock bands i listen to. I can't have them too dark. I may be depressive, but i am a firm believer. I am no longer going to deny my dark side, for it feeds the fire of my talents for both the visual arts and literature. There is no changing the goody-goody part of me, but this time, i would no longer pretend i'm all sugar and sweetness when i actually have a poisonous bite LOL. Why? It is a necessary component of my entirety. In its absence, i wouldn't be me. For me to become me, both Ms.Goody-Two-Shoes and the nameless Little Girl from the Land of Midnight have to be present. Denying either one of them is denying myself. And i would much rather be hated for what i am than loved for what i am not. After all, i'm just like everybody else in this regard. I'm not so bad that i do not deserve to be loved. On the whole, i am really quite nice, and i seriously like myself the way i am. However, i do strive to keep them balanced. 

No, i would not let either one of them have full reign, especially the little girl lest she gets too strong and permeate my entirety, that i end up just losing it all and killing myself using a hanger  wire, cord or something like that. I may die a million times on the inside, but i would never let myself die of my own hands, literally speaking. I have walked among others a living zombie many times over. After each death, i eventually come back to life again. 

Denying my dark side depresses me, too. Why? Like i said, my dark side, that little girl crying silently in the dark recesses of my mind, is the lifeblood of my God-given talents. My real writing and art do not drag people down, but rather reflects them, bringing to light those hidden realities we deliberately shun or turn a blind eye to, but are nonetheless there no matter how hard we deny their existence. Just like a "A Night in Fairyland," "Imaginary" sets my natural artistry on fire--just what i need to get started with a day of non-stop writing. 

With the long weekend over, i find myself raring to start the workweek. I am actually excited to get back to work. Would you believe that? Though ridiculous and seemingly incredulous, it is true LOL. I do hope that i do not just get the needed energy and intensity to work on office-related tasks, though, but personal ones too like artworks and stories and poems, which i owe to myself and nobody else. 

I've always been a big fan of self-improvement. Ever since, i have stuck with the idea that in order to survive the drudgery and pitfalls of life, a person must endeavor to keep his head above the water. If i may say so myself, "There is no way to go but up. Either that, or you have deliberately chosen to mark the end of the road for yourself. " And no matter how depressing and frustrating things get, there would always be something good to divert one's focus on. It is all a matter of making the choice, and in my case, i insist on making the right choices. However, human as i am just like everybody else, making mistakes is expected. By this it only means that somewhere along the way i have made some wrong turns. Whether or not i had decided on my own or had someone decide on my behalf, truth be known that in one way or another, i always have a hand in anything and everything that happens to me. If everything comes crashing down and i find myself at the throes of dying once again, it would do me no good to point my finger at anyone. Why? Because in the end, that finger would come pointing back at me again. 

But is it really so much about making the right choices? 

Yes. But beating myself up for every wrong choice and condemning myself to eternal damnation because of one mistake, or generalizing future outcomes because of it, is just plain idiotic. Doing so is just as good as driving a dagger straight to my own heart. I have to admit that thoughts of "dying or being better off dead" have crossed my mind countless times in all the years i've been alive. I don't know exactly why my mind meanders to such extreme thoughts during certain times, but it would be hypocrisy to deny that i'm all smiles and positivism throughout. I am not. Yet i am never going to give myself an excuse to weaken and yield to the sadness. Never.

Every time, the sadness grips me, the world turns into a very cold, dreary, and lonely place. It always seems as if i am the only living soul on the face of the earth, and everything else is just a figment of my imagination. Though this controlling notion prevails in my consciousness during these times, deep down inside, i desperately cling to my belief that i am not really alone. And people no matter how cold-hearted they may appear would always have a caring side to them. Besides, being a believer, i know God is always there. He stands by me through thick and thin. I am not that big on religion even if i am a practising Catholic. For me, religion is just an institution. It's the spirituality that matters. The goodness of the heart stemming from one's belief in the goodness of a supreme being, no matter what name we call Him. 

And this supreme being, the ultimate force behind life itself would remain long before everything else has gone.  When dark days come, my first course of action is to look up and then look within me. Things may hurt like hell for a time, but it won't be forever. With God standing by me, i am assured of seeing the silver lining soon.