The day has just started. How time flies when you are on the net LOL. I woke up early to apply some ginger-lemongrass balm on my scalp, a treatment of sorts, which requires a good 15 minutes to work. But more than 15 minutes have passed already and here i sit in front of Hazel, my laptop(I name her tee-hee), typing away at this blog. Anyways, this won't be long. I would just be sharing two or three videos of my fave tunes that never fail to stimulate me from within. 

The first one "A Night in Fairyland" by Narsilions sets my imagination ablaze. Apart from the fact that the artworks here are synonymous to my style, something about this music inspires me every time i listen to it. I want to get back to painting, illustrating,and writing poetry and good creative prose stuff. I seem to have lost the verve or a part of it(I do hope not). But i'm confident that in time i would regain all of it. 

The next video is a religious song, a classic and fave of mine, "The Power of Love" by Hillsong. My view of God is somewhat distorted(though not negatively) by scientific views concerning aliens and stuff at this point; however, my belief in His love and everything good stays intact. And really, i can't think of any better way to start the day and keep me protected from the negativity in this world, especially those that could pierce my mind and heart, than to listen to this heavenly song. 

The third and last song is Evanescence's "Imaginary the Origin." I love Evanescence. The darkness of their Gothic sound is tamed(though somewhat glomorized) compared to other Goth rock bands i listen to. I can't have them too dark. I may be depressive, but i am a firm believer. I am no longer going to deny my dark side, for it feeds the fire of my talents for both the visual arts and literature. There is no changing the goody-goody part of me, but this time, i would no longer pretend i'm all sugar and sweetness when i actually have a poisonous bite LOL. Why? It is a necessary component of my entirety. In its absence, i wouldn't be me. For me to become me, both Ms.Goody-Two-Shoes and the nameless Little Girl from the Land of Midnight have to be present. Denying either one of them is denying myself. And i would much rather be hated for what i am than loved for what i am not. After all, i'm just like everybody else in this regard. I'm not so bad that i do not deserve to be loved. On the whole, i am really quite nice, and i seriously like myself the way i am. However, i do strive to keep them balanced. 

No, i would not let either one of them have full reign, especially the little girl lest she gets too strong and permeate my entirety, that i end up just losing it all and killing myself using a hanger  wire, cord or something like that. I may die a million times on the inside, but i would never let myself die of my own hands, literally speaking. I have walked among others a living zombie many times over. After each death, i eventually come back to life again. 

Denying my dark side depresses me, too. Why? Like i said, my dark side, that little girl crying silently in the dark recesses of my mind, is the lifeblood of my God-given talents. My real writing and art do not drag people down, but rather reflects them, bringing to light those hidden realities we deliberately shun or turn a blind eye to, but are nonetheless there no matter how hard we deny their existence. Just like a "A Night in Fairyland," "Imaginary" sets my natural artistry on fire--just what i need to get started with a day of non-stop writing. 

With the long weekend over, i find myself raring to start the workweek. I am actually excited to get back to work. Would you believe that? Though ridiculous and seemingly incredulous, it is true LOL. I do hope that i do not just get the needed energy and intensity to work on office-related tasks, though, but personal ones too like artworks and stories and poems, which i owe to myself and nobody else. 

I've always been a big fan of self-improvement. Ever since, i have stuck with the idea that in order to survive the drudgery and pitfalls of life, a person must endeavor to keep his head above the water. If i may say so myself, "There is no way to go but up. Either that, or you have deliberately chosen to mark the end of the road for yourself. " And no matter how depressing and frustrating things get, there would always be something good to divert one's focus on. It is all a matter of making the choice, and in my case, i insist on making the right choices. However, human as i am just like everybody else, making mistakes is expected. By this it only means that somewhere along the way i have made some wrong turns. Whether or not i had decided on my own or had someone decide on my behalf, truth be known that in one way or another, i always have a hand in anything and everything that happens to me. If everything comes crashing down and i find myself at the throes of dying once again, it would do me no good to point my finger at anyone. Why? Because in the end, that finger would come pointing back at me again. 

But is it really so much about making the right choices? 

Yes. But beating myself up for every wrong choice and condemning myself to eternal damnation because of one mistake, or generalizing future outcomes because of it, is just plain idiotic. Doing so is just as good as driving a dagger straight to my own heart. I have to admit that thoughts of "dying or being better off dead" have crossed my mind countless times in all the years i've been alive. I don't know exactly why my mind meanders to such extreme thoughts during certain times, but it would be hypocrisy to deny that i'm all smiles and positivism throughout. I am not. Yet i am never going to give myself an excuse to weaken and yield to the sadness. Never.

Every time, the sadness grips me, the world turns into a very cold, dreary, and lonely place. It always seems as if i am the only living soul on the face of the earth, and everything else is just a figment of my imagination. Though this controlling notion prevails in my consciousness during these times, deep down inside, i desperately cling to my belief that i am not really alone. And people no matter how cold-hearted they may appear would always have a caring side to them. Besides, being a believer, i know God is always there. He stands by me through thick and thin. I am not that big on religion even if i am a practising Catholic. For me, religion is just an institution. It's the spirituality that matters. The goodness of the heart stemming from one's belief in the goodness of a supreme being, no matter what name we call Him. 

And this supreme being, the ultimate force behind life itself would remain long before everything else has gone.  When dark days come, my first course of action is to look up and then look within me. Things may hurt like hell for a time, but it won't be forever. With God standing by me, i am assured of seeing the silver lining soon.